Just as I was ready to put my domain on the shelf for awhile and walk away in frustration, I stumbled across a few sites that offered more trendy layouts that were right up my alley. Oh, the relief. While I’m still not 110% satisfied with my domain, and as I stated, I probably won’t be until I’m publishing on my own themes, I’m much happier with the overall look and feel of my site now, and I’m more motivated to add to this thing. [/geek]

Last night, Josh and I went to dinner at Chili’s after I got home from work. I hadn’t been feeling all that great over the past week – the physical effects of nicotine withdrawals are such an understated issue when it comes to smokers trying to quit – so I left work about a half hour early. Nausea had been biting at me all week, and with two work-free days within my reach, I was more than happy to take the opportunity to skip out when I did. After feeling like I was ready to hit the floor pretty much all day, I caught my second wind once I was home and I just felt like bouncing off the walls. It was actually kind of retarded, and I annoy myself when I do that.

Thirty minutes later, Josh shows up at my door and we went driving in search of something decent to chow down on. He was in the mood for Mexican, but my stomach wasn’t quite ready for all that. So yeah. We somehow arrived at the conclusion that Chili’s would be a good compromise, so that’s where we went.

Two Long Island Iced Teas later, we were both red in the face, verbally pointing fingers about how “you don’t care about our future and how it coincides with my plans,” and our typical rumbles nowadays. I had ordered a huge burger, but filled up on fries and alcohol because they were easier to handle mid-argument. As we were walking back to his truck, I felt bad. So he had initially started our debate by bringing up a living arrangement plan that involves my brother and his girlfriend that we were planning on doing this spring. Not my fault. However, deep down, I knew that ever since… well. I’m not sure exactly, but whenever it was that he decided to snap out of whatever funk he had been in over the past couple years, he’s been trying to right the wrongs that had been done throughout the first two years of our relationship. Now I’m the one being the jerk about things, and I’m the one being difficult. Well. I mean, you know. He’s no saint, and I get irritated with him about things from time to time, but he’s only human.

Long story still long but coulda been longer – I’m still defensive about things that happened well over a year ago. I’m still carrying a lot of bitterness, and although I keep saying that I’m over it and that I’ve forgiven him, I’ve come to realize that honestly, I never did. I held on and allowed myself to be dragged along in the dirt, but never dusted myself off once I found my footing again. Instead of growing a pair and confronting issues of the past when they should have been addressed, I tucked it away and called it forgiveness.

So at this point, do I call it even and seriously… seriously let go and wipe the slate clean? Is there a way to constructively confront sensitive relationship problems and really pack a punch without doing too much damage? Or is it childish to think that the whole “you can’t have your cake and eat it too” doesn’t apply to me and that I need to realize that there are some things that are just better left unsaid? Somehow, unfortunately, I think that latter is going to be the most realistic mindset. I just need to learn how to comfortably put on my big kid pants and tell myself that enough is enough.

In other news, I will be going to St. Louis this coming weekend, and it’s going to kickass. Josh has never been on a REAL roller-coaster, and I’m glad that I’ll be present for the moment he shits himself on the Batman. I’m ready. I haven’t been on a real get-the-hell-away vacation in about six years. It’s gonna be a good one.

In August, I will be back in St. Louis to take part in my cousin’s wedding on the twenty-third as her Maid of Honor. THAT MEANS A SPEECH. AND A DRESS. EVEN WORSE: A SPEECH IN A DRESS. How terrible. Actually, it’ll be good, and in all honesty, I’m very glad that she’s finding happiness.

SO DRESSES! I’m kinda torn. She’s letting her bridesmaids pick their own styles, but it has to be in this color. I have it narrowed down, but they’re both so cute!

I don’t know. I’m going to go take a look at them and try them on tomorrow. Hopefully all will go well and I won’t end up totally NOT looking forward to having to parade around in one of these. At least I have an excuse to go tanning and get my nails done and all that. At the same time, it sucks because I’m going to have to make an effort to drop like… 10 pounds before then so I won’t look like a blowfish. Ah well. More motivation to get up off my lazy ass and get some exercise outside of work. Ugh.